I’m a ballerina in this arena
This arena is pitch black, and a spotlight on me only
There’s a circle of rope right in the center that I’m balancing on using the very tip of my toes as if I was in a circus performance.
That’s all this was, a show.
Twirling, spinning and gliding across this rope.
Almost effortlessly, my soul being the only thing moving me forward.
I’m dancing with my eyes closed.
Not a single sound echoing in the arena, drawing this silence to sound excessively loud.
My arms wrapped around what seems to be known to me as my crushed dreams, my hopes, my burned love. I can recognize the feel of them, the most damaged parts of me I can feel them cradled in my arms as I dance but physically all you see is a shadow maybe just air.
You see, you were that shadow
You had done this to me
I felt as if I was dancing, as if I had the world in my hands
I felt as if I was floating through the keys of our song
Your smile was the reason I closed my eyes to breathe in a little
It was suffocating
But I felt you
And all that I had planned for such a demon like you
If I had only known what you were from the beginning
At this time I was trusting into my feet to carry me along this rope circling it for what felt like forever, seeing myself dance so beautifully is what made me okay with it
But this baggage was an illustration of what I had thought was happiness. Living.
I mistaken feeling alive, as if I held this huge embodiment of happiness.
This rope was thinning out, my effort growing in trying to stay put. To keep together. I couldn’t fall in front of this crowd. And still til’ this moment my eyes screwed shut, trusting into feet and you.
I was on my last thread when my eyes finally jolted open, realizing the mess I had allowed myself to become. Not a single gasp from the crowd to notify me what was happening around me. They all watched in awe. With one look down it was clear the rope had turned to venom. Black at it’s purest form, the darkest of it’s nature. Venom in the form of vines lacing and intertwining around my arms and legs. Swallowing me whole. The venom’s root had sprouted from the so-called embodiment of happiness I held on so tightly to,
The small thread I was on that kept it’s strength to keep me from falling was glowing white. It’s shine almost blinding and the only light in the arena along with what was left of the only spotlight on me. Had I not realized it sooner I might have lost my chance for good on any hope to be saved. I held on to the thought of that single and unexpected white line. Life-line really.
Once I had put every ounce of attention, hope, and focus on it, it began to glow. Strengthening, venom diminishing, light overcoming the arena, crowd revealing. The crowd became transparent, disclosing the obvious. They had all been enlaced in the venom that had tried to consume me. Waiting to watch me fall, and become one with them. They had hoped no better for me. I knew what was right at this point. It was neither you or the crowd, so I let go.
I let go of all the darkness. I let it be, and stopped trying to fight it or understand it, or make it welcome me in a way not to be malicious since I had thought it was happiness.
And for once into good, and a lighter life.
The white rope had strengthened the most when I poured my every desire for better. Providing my safe landing when it wrapped me in the midst of my fall.
Every inch of my being, embraced and welcomed.
This was it, and there was no going back.
I could rest.
This was home.